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Nov 15 2016

Making Him Want To Commit Using Reverse Psychology. Does It Work?

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 7:09 am

By Mari Deene: I sometimes hear from people who have tried the “traditional way” of making a man want to commit.  They try to make him feel guilty.  They tell him how important marriage is to them.  They give him ultimatums.  Most of us know that these tactics just do not work.  And yet, we feel compelled to try them anyway.  When our suspicions are confirmed and we’ve risked making things worse, it occurs to us that it might make sense to go against the grain so that he isn’t expecting the next tactic.

One good example of this is attempting to use reverse psychology.  The idea is to make him think you don’t want or aren’t thinking about the commitment so that he will more easily give it to you.

Someone might say: “I truly believe that I am meant to be married to the man I am currently seeing.  I firmly believe that we are meant to have a family together and to grow old together.  The problem is that he just does not see this yet.  He feels that there is no real hurry.  His parents dated for over a decade and they are pretty honest about the fact that they are only married for the kids.  The guy I am dating actually broke up with his last girlfriend because she pressured him to get married.  He just got tired of it.  So I know that I can not use this tactic.  But I am thinking that I might use reverse psychology.  Does this ever work? And if so, how do you use it most effectively?”

In terms of getting the commitment that you want, reverse psychology is attempted in a couple of different ways.  The first example is that you pretty much allow him to pursue you.  The idea is that you act as if he wants you more than you want him.  By the end of the process, the hope is that he is almost desperate for you to show him some sort of committed affection because you’ve been standoffish. I find that this one only works if a guy is crazy for you – and even then it is only going to work for a short time.  Most people get tired of feeling rejected and of playing these games.  Plus, it seems that in this scenario, it is really too late for that anyway.  This couple had already been dating for a while and this man likely already knew that she was at least a little invested.

The second way that people will try to use reverse psychology to get is a commitment is that they will pretend that a commitment isn’t really important to them.  They will act as if they just want to date casually or as if it is the relationship that matters and not what ultimately becomes of that relationship.  These are the women who will often tell a man that she just wants to be with him and have fun and not worry about what form the relationship takes.

Sometimes, this does work in getting a man into a relationship that he would have been reluctant to enter into before.  But, you can only take this so far.  Because once you start this, then you have to continue to act as if the commitment is not that important to you – even if this is the furthest thing from the truth.  What happens if he is perfectly happy carrying on in this casual way for a very long period of time?

The hope is always that after a while, he will come to want the commitment on this own, without your needing to pressure him.  It is ALWAYS best to let a man want to commit without pressure.  But, not all men will do this. Some are perfectly happy to continue on with your “no commitment” relationship.  That is the risk with reverse psychology.

There is nothing wrong with trying this.  But you have to know that there the possibility that he won’t change his mind and will want to continue on with a more casual relationship.  At that point, you’ll either have to continue on in this way, or you’ll have to admit that you have changed your mind, and admit that a commitment has now become important to you.

Some women do get lucky and their seemingly lack of care about a commitment encourages him to want it willingly.  This doesn’t always happen though.  And only you can decide if this risk if worth it to you.  I believe that there are other options besides reverse psychology that pose less risk.  You can see a video describing this here.

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Sep 06 2016

How Do I Pretend That I Don’t Want A Commitment From My Boyfriend?

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:20 am

By: Mari Deene: Not all men keep their fear or reluctance to commit close to the vest.  Some men are very upfront about the fact that they don’t want a commitment.  In fact, some will come right out and tell you in the early days of your relationship.  Some women hear this warning loud and clear and end the relationship before it even gets started.  But others feel something special for the guy and hope that as the relationship progresses, he will change his mind.

Even with this strategy though, your true desire has a way of coming out.  And this can create conflict and tension.  Some people wonder if they should try to hide their true desires from their significant other.  Someone might ask: “my boyfriend has always been really honest about his unwillingness to commit.  His parents had the most horrific relationship where they literally did physical harm to one another.  So he has a very messed up view of marriage.  He has no problems in saying that he will never get married.  And he absolutely does not want to be pressured about it.  I knew this going into our relationship.  And we have only been together for a little over six months.  But the other day, we went to a wedding together and I cried.  It was obvious that I was wistful the whole time.  We have mutual friends who are getting married and I worry that it will be obvious that this is what I really want.  How do I pretend that a commitment is not important to me when it is?”

Honestly, in a relationship as serious as this one sounds, I am not sure that you ever want to pretend.  I think it is fair to decide that you are not going to pursue a commitment right now.  After all, the relationship is relatively new and he has probably not had enough time to feel safe within it and to overcome his doubts.  But to pretend that you want the exact opposite of what you actually do want is probably not the best practice.  Frankly, he has been honest with you.  So it wouldn’t be fair to be the complete opposite with him.

However, having said that, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with not making this is a primary issue between you.  There’s nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree and taking it off the table while the relationship is still progressing.  You can give this relationship time to help him overcome his fears and to see that not all serious relationships (or even marriages) are a train wreck like this parents’ was.

Some marriages are extremely healthy and nurturing for both parties.  A good marriage can elevate both people.  But of course, your boyfriend can not see that because he has never had an example of it with which to compare.  He can only go by what he has seen.  So I would think that the best plan for you is to allow him to see one of these very healthy and nurturing relationships – your own.

Of course, there is always the risk that he might be dead-set on never changing his mind.  But it may be too early to evaluate that.  If you are happy in the relationship and strongly feel that he is the right person for you, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with giving it a little more time.

But I don’t think that you should “pretend” to feel any differently than you do.  Your boyfriend will likely know that you are not being honest and this will erode the trust.  In order to have that healthy, nurturing relationship I talked about, you have to have trust.  He needs to know that you aren’t trying to fool, manipulate, or undermine him.

So don’t “pretend,” just continue on as you have been, while trying very hard to show him a healthy relationship based on respect.  At the same time, be mindful of overcoming his reservations.  Here is a very good video that explains overcoming the types of reservations that I am talking about.

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Jul 05 2016

I Pushed Him Away Because He Didn’t Commit And Now I’m Afraid That He’s Found Someone Else

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:46 am

By: Mari Deene:  Every so often, I hear from someone who finally got very tired of waiting for a commitment or an engagement, and so they ended their relationship or pushed their significant other away.  A lot of the time, this person waited for quite a while and had an enviable amount of patience.  It was only when it appeared that a commitment wasn’t forthcoming that they walked away.  And to be honest, they only walked away because they felt that they had no other choice.  So perhaps they worked hard to raise their resolve when they had to.  They thought that they were making the only decision that they could at the time.

But sometimes, they tend to doubt this decision when they suspect that their significant other has begun seeing someone else.  That is when the doubt and the regret can set in.  You might hear: “one of my co workers just told me that she saw my ex boyfriend having lunch with another girl. We’ve been broken up for four weeks.  I ended it because we dated for four years and he never proposed, even though he knew that is what I desperately wanted.  I repeatedly told him that I could not be single for life.  And he didn’t budge.  I know he loved me.  And I loved him deeply.  It broke my heart to end it.  But I thought that it was the right decision.  Now I’m not so sure.  The thought of him being with someone else or moving on is almost more than I can stand.  Did I make a mistake?”

Only you can answer that.  But your reaction is telling. Generally, when people know that they have done the right thing, they do not feel regret.  The good news is that you can’t be sure that your ex boyfriend has met the love of his life.  That’s highly doubtful, seeing as he just ended a four year relationship.  There is every possibility that the girl was a friend, classmate, or co worker.  It could have been totally platonic. And even if it was a date, how serious could it really be?

If this is really upsetting you, then you could always call him and just feel out the situation.  Sometimes, we have the opportunity to undo situations that we later determined were mistakes.  This might be one of those opportunities.

The first step is to ask yourself how you truly feel.  Were you just reacting to the idea of him being with someone else?  Will the feeling eventually pass?  Or is this your heart’s way of telling you that you can’t stand him being with someone else and that you want him back?  That’s a decision that you have to make.  But ultimately, this decision will lead to your next step.

If you determine that you want to reconcile, then you’ll need to decide on the best way of doing that.  If he’s open to a reconciliation, I would take it very slowly so that you both feel confident that it is right. And then you’ll need to decide how you want to approach the commitment topic.  I wouldn’t “go there” right away. I would give the relationship time to become stable again.

And once you are stable, this doesn’t mean that you need to give up on marriage.  You just may have to change your approach a bit.

This a good video discuss this alternative approach on the right side of this blog.

 

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Mar 01 2016

I Resent My Boyfriend For Not Proposing

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:41 am

By: Mari Deene: It’s normal to feel frustrated when you were expecting a marriage proposal but didn’t get it. This is especially true if you have already waited for a really long time or if your boyfriend somehow lead you to expect one. In fact, some people might find this so disappointing that they feel some resentment.

That same resentment could be described this way. “I have been dating the same man for almost four years. Last week, I turned thirty years old. My boyfriend is well aware that I want to get married and start a family. He is well aware that I am tired of dating with no commitment. We even talked about my getting a ring for my birthday. He even asked me which styles I liked. So I was fully expecting to be an engaged woman by the end of my birthday evening. Well, I got a lovely necklace, but no ring. My boyfriend said ‘I know that you are going to be disappointed but I still am not quite ready.’ That is an understatement. I am more than disappointed. I am near furious. And I feel resentment. For the last week, every time my boyfriend tried to be nice to me or show me any affection, I have pulled away from him. I’m just not feeling it. And I don’t understand why I’m good enough to kiss and have sex with when I am not good enough to be his wife. I don’t want to pretend that everything is OK. Because everything is not OK to me. Will the resentment ever go away? I don’t want to lose him. And I don’t want anyone else. But I feel so angry.”

Why The Resentment Is There: Resentment occurs when you feel as if you have been let down, taken advantage of, or mislead. I’d say that all three apply here. You feel as if he lead you to believe that you would finally be rewarded for your loyalty and your love and you were not. You feel as if he lead you to believe something that didn’t happen. And you feel like you’re not getting your needs met and that your wishes are not as important to him as his own.

What It Would Take To Get Rid Of The Resentment: The resentment likely won’t begin to fade until some of these feelings also fade. This would happen if you were to decide that an immediate engagement is not as important to you as you thought because he is the man that you want and you’re willing to wait a little longer. Or, you would obviously feel better if, in a little while, your boyfriend decides that enough time has gone by and he feels safe to go ahead and get engaged.  I’m not sure if either of these things are on the horizon, although they might be and both might help with the resentment.

Evaluating The Current Situation:  I am an outsider looking in.  I don’t know this couple personally.  But, four years is, at least to me, a reasonable amount of time. Thirty years old is most certainly not an age where you are too young to be thinking about marriage. It is an age where most people are ready to settle down. So, I don’t feel as if this woman is asking too much.

Since she was clear on the fact that he was the only man that she wanted, it may help to ask if there is anything that might be holding him back. Could he possibly have some doubts or hesitations about the relationship? Has he been burned before and is afraid to get hurt? Is there an issue that the couple just haven’t been able to overcome?

The answer to these questions is important because if you can identify what is holding him back and then remove that thing (or things,) then you may be well on your way to getting the engagement that you want, which of course would solve the resentment issue.

You have to be careful here because the resentment can start to whittle away at your relationship.  Things can get so bad that it can cause your engagement to take longer than ever or, worse, to not happen at all.  You have every right to be frustrated and let down.  But don’t let this cause you to lose him because that would mean that there is no engagement on the horizon.

It’s possible that this woman just needs to learn how to overcome his reservations about a commitment. There’s great information about how to do this on the right side of this blog.

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Dec 10 2015

He Says He Loves Me But Is Afraid To Commit: Understanding the Importance Of Creating An Environment Of Safety Instead Of Pressure

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:28 am

By: Mari Deene:  It’s very common to hear from women dealing with men are afraid to commit. And there are many potential reasons for this. Many men have been cruelly hurt by a previous destructive relationship and so they put up their guard for every woman who comes after the one who hurt them. Some men come from dysfunctional families where marriage or commitment meant a lot of drama or pain. And some men have been cheated on or disrespected in their previous relationship and so they want to keep themselves from becoming hurt again.

If you are a woman in love with a man who is scared to commit to you, it’s normal to be very confused about how to handle this. And this is especially true when the thing that you want most in the world is to commit to or marry the man who you love.

Someone may describe the situation this way: “I understand why my boyfriend is afraid of a serious relationship. He dated his ex wife for five years before they got married. He thought that he knew her well and that he was careful to choose a nice girl. But after they married and had a child, he found out that she had cheated on him before she became pregnant. At this point, he has doubts as to whether the child is even his.  He’s in love with the child though.  So he doesn’t want to know whether he is the father or not.  He wants to be in the child’s life.  So he’s paying child support and his relationship with his ex wife is horrible. But he has to deal with her because if he doesn’t, then he has no access to the child. He said that marriage was a nightmare and he would hesitate to ever do it again. He says that he feels that his ex wife mostly manipulated him so he has trouble with trust. I understand this. I would have trouble with trust too in his situation. But what does this mean for me? I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life. How do you get a scared man to commit? I’ve considered eventually giving him an ultimatum. But it is probably a little too soon for that.”

In my opinion and experience, this is a situation that requires a lot of patience, understanding, and love. No one could fault your boyfriend for being afraid of commitment, considering how badly he got burned the last time. He’s likely still struggling, because that wound is still pretty fresh. And very deep.

It’s normal to wonder where this leaves you. It is normal to want a healthy and committed relationship. There is nothing wrong with this. But since, your boyfriend has a special situation, then dealing with it is going to require special care of your part.

I know that it’s very tempting to try to pressure him right now. But that is probably the worst thing that you can do. If you’ve ever dealt with an animal or child who has been hurt, then you know that you can’t just force them to trust you. If you attempt that, then they shy away even more. You have to very gradually build up the trust by being patient with them and showing them that they are safe with you.

The same applies with your boyfriend. You have to create an atmosphere of safety. He has to know that your relationship is one where his feelings and his well being are always going to be respected and valued. If you try to rush or pressure him, he can’t possibly feel this way.

Instead, he is going to be hurt. And this is only going to make his fear of commitment worse. I know that it’s hard to be patient. But if he is truly the right person for you, then being patient is going to be worth it. Make sure he knows that you never intend to hurt or trick him. Be very straightforward when you deal with him and just enjoy being together for right now.

Over time, he is likely to see that he can trust what he sees with you. This is usually enough to overcome his reluctance to commit. If not, there are some gentle things that you can try. (You can see examples on this free video.)  But ultimatums and pressure almost never work and they damage your relationship.

And when you are dealing with someone who has trust issues, you don’t want to create further damage. You want to heal instead of injure. You want him to know that your relationship is a safe and healing place for him. And an ultimatum is not the way to achieve that.

Try to make your goal to heal your boyfriend first and to get your commitment second. That is really the only healthy way to do it without creating further damage.

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Oct 22 2015

My Boyfriend Said He Feels Like I Forced Him To Propose. I Don’t Think His Heart Is In It

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:32 am

By: Mari Deene: When you are trying to get your boyfriend to propose, sometimes you are so focused on getting the result that you do not think about the sincerity behind it. You tell yourself that you don’t need anything all that special or over the top. You just want to get that proposal so that you can begin your life together. And if your boyfriend balks at your timing and wants to take it a little more slowly, you tell yourself that if you have to apply a little gentle pressure, it will all be OK because he’ll eventually be glad that you did and will realize that his reluctance was misplaced.

It’s wonderful when things work out this way, but this is not always the reality. Sometimes, when you push a boyfriend, you do get your victory, you get that proposal, but what you don’t get is his enthusiasm because you forced him into a time frame that was not his own.

Someone might explain: “I admit that I was very anxious to get engaged. And I admit that when one of my best friends got married, this made me realize how much I wanted my own wedding. I talked about it on the entire ride home and I should have noticed that my boyfriend wasn’t talking as excitedly as I was. He was honest about the fact that he wanted to wait until we were more financially stable. I told him that I did not care about money and I was willing to sacrifice to make it happen. Well, he did propose. And I was thrilled. But now as I am trying to plan the wedding, I notice that he is dragging his feet at every turn. I asked him why he was bringing me down all of the time as far as the wedding is concerned and he blurted out that he feels like I forced him to propose and that he’s doing the best he can, but he feels that we are rushing it. At this point I don’t know what to do. Part of me says that I should tell him to just forget it and he can take his proposal back, but another part of me says that I worked very hard to get that proposal and I truly want to get married. I would hope that he will eventually let go of his attitude and once the wedding is over, he will be glad that we did it.”

I understand what you are thinking and I don’t necessarily think that you need to cancel the proposal. I think that there are a couple of options that allow you to compromise so that you are both happy. You could identify his reservations. Is there anything beyond money or timing that is bothering him? It pays to be honest about this because if you can identify what is truly wrong, then you can fix it. And fixing it might be all that is needed to obtain his enthusiasm.  You could try this before you did anything else.  Because if you are successful with this, then you don’t need to go any further.

Or, if this does not work or you do not like the above option, you could agree to postpone the wedding until your boyfriend is more comfortable with the timing. That way, you still have your proposal but you’re willing to wait until he feels that the timing is better.

Either way, you can help yourself by trying to improve your relationship so that it is as strong as it can possibly be. You want to show your boyfriend that it is HIM that you love and that you want.  You want to show him that HE is more important to you than the proposal.

Because the truth of the matter is that very often, when a relationship feels “right” or “easy” to a man, he is often willing to put aside his reservations about the timing because he knows that he will be happy being married to you. If you are not at that place yet, there are a lot of things you can try to both improve your relationship and raise his enthusiasm level.

 This video does a very good job of explaining how to identify his reservations and overcome them.

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Oct 16 2015

Welcome!!!

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:41 am

Welcome to my site.  I’m assuming that you are here because you are in a relationship and would like for the same relationship to become a more committed one (or even an engagement.)  Hopefully, the resources that I will put on this site will help you to accomplish just that.  I’ve been writing articles about this topic for a while now, but I’ve decided to start my own site because I see a lot of information out there which I think is not only wrong, but downright harmful.  I see some extremely disturbing trends in social media and speed dating. I firmly believe that these things HEAVILY contribute to a lack of commitment and to the fact that less and less couples get married or engaged before they live together or have children.  And I don’t think that is a healthy thing for the people within that relationship.

In fact, I know many women who accept such a relationship, but they really aren’t happy in it.  They stay because they figure that they’ll take what they can get or that this is all better than being alone, but they aren’t really at peace.  Deep down, they know that they want to be engaged or married.  And eventually, resentment begins to rear it’s ugly head.  The women might try to hide it, but it really is unavoidable.  Sometimes, the relationship ends as a result.  And the women are left saying: “I don’t understand.  I was so patient.  I was the perfect girlfriend and yet it still wasn’t good enough.  There must be something wrong with me.”

Let me be clear.  There is nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing.  There might be something wrong with the tactics that you are using however.  To save us both some time, if you remember nothing else, please remember these few things.

  • Ultimatums don’t work
  • Accepting less than what you want does not work
  • Pretending to be someone you aren’t doesn’t work
  • Trying to be the perfect partner or girlfriend at the expense of yourself doesn’t work. 

If manipulation doesnt work, what does?

YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM WANT TO COMMIT TO YOU ON HIS OWN WITHOUT FEELING FORCED OR MANIPULATED.

I don’t mean to make this sound overly simplistic.  And that’s why I will be including articles for specific situations as well as some free resources that I think do an excellent job of explaining this in depth. In particular this video from a man’s perspective is wonderful. I also like this one because it covers a woman’s perspective. I hope that something you find here is helpful to you. I am not an expert, but I am a woman who has used many of these tactics (and still use them) and I am happily married. Good luck!


Oct 13 2015

My Boyfriend Is Stalling Our Engagement Until Our Relationship Is Perfect

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:58 am

By: Mari Deene:  It would be wonderful if everyone realized that, although no relationship is ever perfect, the relationships that are “right” or meant to be can thrive even when there are struggles or issues that aren’t ideal.

Unfortunately, not every one realizes this.  Often, one person in the relationship is willing to try harder or to stick it out while the other is ready to offer criticism.  And the person eager to criticize is often also reluctant to commit.   This person will often “pick apart” their relationship, feeling that if it is not near perfect, then it is “wrong” or not workable.  Some will come right out and say this and others will keep delaying or postponing their commitment.  This can leave the other party (who is very invested in this relationship) wondering how they should approach it.

This is a common complaint, outlined something like this: “my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year.  The first several months of our relationship were wonderful, but as soon as I uttered my first phrase about a commitment, he started to pull back.  And then he started to point out every imperfect thing about our relationship. Every time we fight, he says that this is why he is not ready to marry me.  The thing is, every couple fights sometimes.  But when I try to tell him this, he says that marriage is a very important decision and that he is not going to go into it without knowing that he’s in the perfect relationship.  So he says he is willing to wait to see if our relationship can reach that perfect point.  I don’t think that this is realistic at all. I almost think that he is only saying this because he doesn’t want to make a commitment and this will give him an easy out.  He’s giving me a standard that he knows I can not reach.”

I understand why you might feel this way.  But, I wonder why a man who was outlining impossible standards so he could stay in his relationship wouldn’t just end that relationship.  The fact that he is not breaking things off and is perfectly willing to continue on with a “wait and see” attitude would indicate that he doesn’t currently want out of the relationship.  If he did, it makes sense that he would just end things.

So it appears that he is still somewhat invested.  But there are some things that make him take pause, which is why he’s mentioning them.  Frankly, although I know that it may not feel like it right now, sometimes, it is better to just be honest and bring things out in the open so that they can be worked out rather than to let them fester so that they eventually end the relationship.

At least now you have the chance to ask yourself if his concerns have any merit and, if they do, how you can fix them.  If you determine that he is right in at least some of his concerns, then addressing those concerns would honestly benefit you both. And, because of the changes that you have made, you may actually end up getting what you want.  This tactic would likely be preferable to just walking away when you have already put so much into this relationship and when you seem sure that this is the person you were meant to be with.

This is only my opinion, of course.  You know yourself and you know how willing you would be to try this.  But I would think that trying to improve the relationship would be worth it.  You may be wrong in your perception that his standards are too high.  You may make this attempt and find that he is perfectly happy with the results and ready to commit.

Or, you may find that despite your efforts, he still is not satisfied. If this is the case, then you can evaluate what direction you want to take at that time.  But you will not know until you try.

And there are some pretty easy and effective ways to get a reluctant man willing to commit.  I like some of those outlined in this video.

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Sep 22 2015

What Keeps Him From Committing?

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:14 am

By: Mari Deene: I often hear from women who are a bit confused as to why the man who they know loves them drags his feet when he comes to committing or proposing. Because if you ask them, they feel that the relationship is “right.” They feel that the timing is good. And they just don’t see what the problem is. Many of this ask me what keeps him from just committing to them when all of the major pieces are there.

I obviously don’t know each man individually and, even if I did, the reasons for their stalling or not wanting to commit would likely vary greatly. However, I do also occasionally hear from men in this situation and I can’t help but notice themes in the reasoning that they give for being reluctant or slow to commit. So, in the following article, I will list what I believe are the most common reasons that men don’t quickly commit.

They Suffer From The “What If This Is It And There Is Something Better” Mentality: This is a very common reason that most men express reluctance to commit even if they truly love the woman who they are with. In our society, there is a big concern about “settling,” especially among men. There is a view in our society that there are too many women for not enough men and so, over his lifetime, a man can have his pick of women. He naturally wants to make sure that the one woman he chooses is the best that life has to offer him. Because he doesn’t want to just “settle” for the woman who is only good enough and then worry that the perfect woman would have been in his near future if he had only delayed the commitment.

I know that this might be silly to you because it’s silly to me. Women don’t generally think this way. If we feel that we love a man, then to us, that is good enough. Men do not always have the same thought process and society encourages them to be very picky and hesitant. So how do you get around this? Well, different women will try different strategies. Some women will try to be very straightforward and accept his hesitation with patience, at least temporarily. These women will often figure if they can make the relationship good enough for long enough, he will eventually see that she is as good as it gets and that he doesn’t want to let her go.

Other women will allow him some freedom or even initiate her own break to allow him to see that no one is better for him than her. And other women get tired of waiting and give ultimatums or bow out. Personally, I think it’s best to be straightforward about this. If you are getting resentful from waiting, then it’s probably better to discuss what is holding him back in a loving way rather than to play games or make threats.

He’s Suffering From A Previous Pain: Many men hesitate to commit because they saw a commitment go horribly wrong somewhere in their past. The first place to look is his parents’ marriage. People who see their parents end up hating one another after divorce or who grow up in a very tense and anger-filled households because of a bad marriage will often vow not to repeat this.

Many of them will wonder why you would want to ruin a perfectly good and loving relationship by getting married. This can also be true if the man himself was divorced previously. Many people believe that it is the institute of marriage, and not the relationship itself, that is the flaw. Overcoming this means either showing him that you can have a marriage that is different from the one he has previous experience with or just being honest about how important marriage is to you. For some men, this is enough. Others will need for you to show him that your relationship can and will be different from what he fears.

He May Have Other Kinds Of Doubts: I saved this for last because it is a bit of a downer. Sometimes, he doesn’t want to commit because he doubts the relationship, doubts he will be a good husband, or doubts that he is ready. None of this means that there is necessarily anything wrong with your relationship. It may mean that not enough time has passed for him to be comfortable. It may mean that you have hit a rough patch which has left him with a few remaining doubts. Or, it might mean that something is nagging at him that he hasn’t yet identified.

The worst thing that you can do in this situation is to try to overcompensate and panic. Often, if you just make sure that your relationship is strong and you can make him feel like you elevate him and make him better, then these doubts will eventually work themselves out. It can be tricky to be this upbeat, uplifting person when it feels as if you are being rejected or asked to have endless patience, but many will tell you that it is more than worth it in the end. It takes your being clear on what you are working towards and having confidence that you are going to get it because this relationship is the right one that is worth fighting for.

If you’d like to read about examples of how someone overcame many of these obstacles, feel free to read the details about how an impatient girl got a reluctant boy to commit on my blog at http://www.making-him-forever-mine.com

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Sep 08 2015

My Boyfriend Says He Loves Me But Doesn’t Want To Be Tied Down With A Commitment Or A Marriage

Category: Uncategorizedadmin @ 5:03 am

By: Mari Deene:  I sometimes hear from women who are getting the “I don’t want to be tied down” excuse while also getting the assurance that the man they are with still loves them.  If this isn’t conflicting or mixed messages, I’m not sure what is.  Women often equate love with a long term commitment.  In our minds, if we meet the guy who is “the one,” then the next logical step is to get engaged or married.  We understand when the timing or finances aren’t right.  And in those cases, we often willing to wait.  But we still want to know that the man we love is willing to at least commit enough to tell us that it is forever and that he will be faithful until the circumstances are right for us to walk down the aisle. And we want for him to make us believe that the day will one day come – in the not-too-distant future.

That’s why it can be so infuriating when on the one hand he’s saying he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else. And on the other hand, he’s giving you an excuse that sounds like being with you makes him feel restricted in some way.  Someone might explain: “my boyfriend knows that after five years, I am tired of waiting for a commitment from him.  We are long past being old enough to be married.  We are not as financially stable as we might like, but if we wait until then, we might both be middle-aged.  I have repeatedly asked him when we are going to get engaged.  He usually has some excuse, but last night, he got annoyed with me and his answer was that he ‘doesn’t want to be tied down.’ I asked him what he meant by that and she said that although he loves me and doesn’t want to ever be with anyone else, he might want to travel.  He may want to take a job at work that requires him to be gone for long periods of time.  He may want to take a sabbatical one day. He may want to buy an RV and just see the world.  All of these things appeal to him, but he doesn’t think he can do these things if he has a wife and one day children to worry about. I have no idea how to respond to this.  I don’t like being referred to as something that could ‘tie him down,’ as if I’m something that is holding him back.  I like to think we could share our adventures.  My friends and some family members say that I need to cut him loose.  They say he’s pretty much telling me straight up that he will never marry me.  The thing is, I love him so much that I would be lost without him.  I adore him.  I suspect that I’d rather be with him without the commitment than not with him with a commitment from someone else.  But in the back of my mind, I still want that commitment. I still want to find a way.”

I understand that.  And that’s something that I always encourage people to evaluate.  Because when you start giving ultimatums or thinking about walking away, then that is going to become your reality.  You may well be completely without him.  And you have to weigh whether you might ultimately be happier that way – especially if this leads you to meet someone else who will eventually commit to you.

Sometimes, it comes to this.  But I think that it doesn’t always have to.  Reluctant men can be nudged into willingly committing. The key is to pinpoint their reluctance (which is easy in this case because he has defined it for you) and then finding a way to overcome it.  In this case, I would think you would have to show him that being married to you wouldn’t mean being tied down.  You’d have to convince that you are up for adventure and would have no intention of restricting his life – with one exception.

Sometimes when men start using the “tied down” terminology, it means that they do not want to be tied to one woman. It means they want the freedom to explore relationships with others, should the opportunity come up.

That DOES NOT seem to be the case here, but I wanted to mention it.  There’s a big difference between not being tied down to a monogamous relationship and not being tied down to a marriage, but being monogamous for a lifetime.

Because I believe that you can overcome a man’s objections to being tied down if all he means is that although he’s scared that marriage might alter his lifestyle, he is committed to being faithful to you.

But a man who doesn’t want to be tied down to monogamy is an entirely different thing.  And it’s hard for me to encourage you to try to overcome this if you were dealing with a man who hasn’t shown the character to be faithful. In this specific case, your man is faithful. He’s just afraid that being married would alter his lifestyle so that he doesn’t feel any sense of freedom and much of the time, this can be overcome.

There are some good resources on the side of this blog for getting a man to commit.  I like this one.

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